Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it’s in your best interest, always practice obedience.
Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
Take naps and always stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Never pretend to be something you’re not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close
and nuzzle them gently.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you are happy, dance around
and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you are criticized,
don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout.
Run right back and make friends.
Some of the most poignant moments I spend as a veterinarian are thosespent with my clients assisting the transition of my animal patients from this world to the next. When living becomes a burden, whether from pain orlossof normal functions, I can help a family by ensuring that their belovedpethas an easy passing. Making this final decision is painful, and I have oftenfelt powerless to comfort the grieving owners.
That was before I met Shane.I had been called to examine a ten-year-old blue heeler named Belker whohaddeveloped a serious health problem. The dog's owners - Ron, his wife,Lisa,and their little boy, Shane - were all very attached to Belker and theywerehoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer.
I told the family there were no miracles left for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dogin their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought itwould be good for the four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt Shane could learn something from the experience.
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's familysurrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the lasttime,that I wondered if he understood what was going on.
Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boyseemedto accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sattogether for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.
Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why." Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunnedme – I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.
He said, "Everybody is born so that they can learn how to live a goodlife – like loving everybody and being nice, right?"
The four-year-oldcontinued, “Well, animals already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay aslong."
Robin Downing, D.V.M
Dear Dog and Cat,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate & food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food & dish (nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years... canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' or cats' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1.They live here; you don't.
2.If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3.I like my pet better than I like most people.
4.To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
(Note: The following material is taken from a small gray book that I found underneath my couch, a favorite hiding spot of my cat Rex. I can't vouch for the veracity of what is written below, other than to say when Rex found me reading it, he looked mighty annoyed.)
Excerpts from "A Cat's Guide To Human Beings"
Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.
What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple: THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
How And When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.
Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire: the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.
Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.
After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold-blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm-blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.
How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
How to prepare for a puppy
Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot in the dark.
Wear a sock to work that has had the toe shredded by a blender.
Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain and dark saying, "Be a good puppy, go potty now – hurry up – come on, let’s go!"
Cover all your best suits with dog hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair.
Also float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.
Play "catch" with a wet tennis ball.
Run out in the snow in your bare feet to close the gate.
Tip over a basket of clean laundry; scatter clothing all over the floor.
Leave your underwear on the living room floor because that's where the dog will drag it anyway. (Especially when you have company.)
Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the door shouting, "No, no! Do that OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program.
Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning, and don't try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.
Gouge the leg of the dining room table several times with a screwdriver – it's going to get chewed on anyway.
Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls asleep on your lap.
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE
TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?
Dachshund: Very funny! You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Black Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeeeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Can I? Huh? Huh?
Border Collie: Just me. And then I'll replace any wiring that is not up to code
French Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he's done rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and the furniture.
Malamute: Let that Border Collie do it. While he's busy, you can feed me.
Rottweiler: Make me.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz
Boxer: Who cares. I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover…
Pointer: I see it! There it is!! Right there!! There it is!!
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Old English Sheep Dog: There's a lamp in this room?
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm gonna sleep on the couch.
Cocker Spaniel: No problem. I can still pee on the rug in the dark.
Mastiff: We Mastiffs are not afraid of the dark
Schnauzer: Well, we Schnauzers are! Somebody change the bulb quick!! I think I heard a noise! Intruder!! Intruder!!
Australian Shepherd: First, I've go to get all the bulbs in a nice circle.
German Shepherd: Who broke the bulb? I want answers!! When I find out, the fur is gonna fly!!
Bassett Hound: Couldn't this wait till after my nap? By the way, how long till suppertime? How 'bout a Milk Bone to tide me over.
The Life and Death of an Untrained Dog
From the senior state humane officer of the Humane Society of Ventura Co. CA. He wishes "to make a difference in the quality of life for the family dog, man's best friend."
I woke up one morning with my littermates. I saw mom lying there so I went over to her to get some breakfast. Mom was warm and she licked me all over. She loved us so much. Things were good back then. Now I am bigger and live in a home with two kids and their mom and dad. I used to be able to come in the house and play. They even let me sleep in the house. The children would run and I would chase them around. When I was little they would let me jump on them and even playfully bite them. The family would laugh and encourage me to play like this. They gave me lots of toys such as socks, shoes, and stuffed animals. I had so much fun. Those were the days!
As I got bigger, I would accidentally knock the children down. I would try to bite them on the cuff of their pants as they ran. I found toys like the ones my master gave me when I was younger, and I would chew them up. They started getting mad at me all the time. When I jumped up they would knee me down. One minute they were laughing at me for play biting and chewing and the next minute they would spank me for doing the very same thing. I am so confused!
Now I spend my days, hour after hour, chained in the back yard. No one comes out to play with me. I am so happy to see them when they come out that I jump and bark with joy. I spend my days digging up the yard around me, which makes my masters mad at me. The fleas crawl all over me, which drives me crazy. I get so mad that I want to bite someone.
The more I sit out here the madder I get. I cannot understand why they brought me home just to chain me in the yard. If my masters are unhappy with my behavior, why not train me? Why did they encourage me to jump and bite?
Things have not gotten any better for me. Now I sit in jail. People come by my cage looking at me. I do not trust them so I bark and bare my teeth. No one wants me. Oh, no! Here comes a lady with a leash. Where is she taking me? She walks me into a room. Oh, she likes me. It's so good to be hugged again. She puts a thing around my mouth so I cannot bite. What's this? She is sticking me in my leg. Oh, I am so sleepy. What has happened to me? I am asleep now. No one can hurt me anymore.
- Robert J Hoffman Ojai, CA
Top 10 Cat vs. Dog Characteristics
10. Dogs come when you call them.
Cats take a message and get back to you.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire.
Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.
Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon.
Cats will take a three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you.
Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work.
Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command.
Cats will smirk and walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk.
Cats will yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever.
Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait. It's only a matter of time...
The only problem with dogs is that they don’t live long enough. It’s their only fault, really. Unknown
There is only one smartest dog in the world, and every boy has it. Anonymous
The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog. A man’s dog stands by him in prosperity and poverty, in health and sickness. He will sleep on the cold ground where the wintry winds blow and the snow drives fiercely, if only he may be near his master’s side. He will kiss the hand that has no food to offer, he will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounter with the roughness of the world. He guards the sleep of his pauper master as if he were a prince. When all other friends desert he remains. When riches take wings and reputation falls to pieces, he is as constant in his love as the sun in its journey through the heavens. Excerpt from Senator George Vest’s Memorial Inscription to ‘Ol Drum - 1870’ , Warrensburg, Missouri.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.JoshBillings
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It’s the best deal man has ever made. M. Acklam
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. Ben Williams
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul – chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth! Anne Tyler
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. Roger Caras
If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. Phil Pastoret
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!” Dave Barry
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. Dave Barry
You can run with the big dogs or sit on the porch and bark. Wallace Arnold
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